I’ve sat here for too long tonight trying to get my writing started; I kept thinking of ideas on what to write about but I kept going back and forth, typing and deleting, and yet…I didn’t make my mind up.
And, that’s what it usually is like– A full day of work, errands, studying, social settings and when I’m not doing any of those things? My brain just does not shut off. It keeps going and going like a snowball racing downhill until it becomes so massive that it destroys anything in its path. Those are my thoughts like– a massive snowball. It will keep going and growing unless there’s anything (or anybody) who will help me stop it. But, I’m taking responsibility that I need to be the one and only to stand in front of it and destroy it. Well, not ‘destroy’ but more like to CALM it with my bare hands…after all, I was the one who created the snowball. I should be able to control or stop what I started, right?
Well, it is not an easy task. I force myself to think happy thoughts because I truly believe in the “fake it until you make it” idea. It has worked before and it should keep working as nothing substantial has really changed. But…some days are long. Some days are light and some days are just not. I guess my first reaction to these days is to find something to do that will keep the emotions and thoughts in check, it is my intent to scuffle around with myself forcing my mind to move forward, to look up. You know, to “fake it until I make it”.
But a dear friend of mine once told me to just “feel it, everything is a process. Trust it.” And it couldn’t have been more perfect. I noted that the time it takes me to fake my well-being has been mismanaged and instead I should be feeling whatever I’m feeling as it is. I should be feeling and letting go because in the end it really is being in touch with my feelings that will allow me to step up, to move forward, to look up. It is allowing myself to feel the wide range of emotions (without leaving any behind) that will allow me to truly see myself as nothing more than just a normal human being.
I’m just a human being and I’ve learned yet another very valuable lesson tonight.
Hugs and a good night to you,